Sex tips by Mike Diamond

7 06 2010

This is not for the prude. Funny  and raunchy comic Mike Diamond gives out some sex-tips in EDGE Boston….

Remember, there are certain things nobody wants to hear during sex. These include, but are not limited to:

“Oops, sorry, I had a big lunch’
Water sloshing around inside of him;
“Can you not aim your cum onto my 600 thread count sheets?”
The whir of a video camera;
’Honey, I’m home!’
Policeman tapping on the car window;
“That’s not my ring, that’s my watch”.

Fantasy is hot, so do all you can to keep the illusion going, you nelly queen, you. Stash your ’All About Eve’ DVD in the closet, and refrain from blasting Judy, Barbara or Diana from the speakers. Yes, sex is the one time when self loathing is not only OK, it’s encouraged!

If you get a pubic hair caught in your throat, bitch just swallow it.

Be creative; try to create a whole new sex act. I did, here’s how it goes. If you’re down on your knees blowing a really fat guy, pull his belly over your head. I call it the Sleeping Bag. It’s a great name because that experienceis sorta like camping, bits of food everywhere. Oh those crazy binge eating chubbsters!

If you always dreamed of being an archeologist, have sex with an older man, it’s like uncovering fossils! You’ve heard of that porno mag about young girls called ’Barely Legal’? Now there’s a hot porn magazine all about older guys, it’s called ’Barely Breathing’. Because nothing beats a good gum job!

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